Jackie

MY ABC’S OF STILLBIRTH ~by Jackie Potts

A….ACTRESS…instead of becoming a lullaby singing, rocking-chair momma, i was switched into a horrific play write, where i deliver my full-term son, and then hand him over to medical staff…never to smell or kiss him again….then, im expected to dress myself with a fictional smile, and go to work to listen to people complain about how tired their children make them.

B….BLESS….i believe the word “bless” should bring those who hear it comfort. hope. answers. all of the above was robbed of me, when the first pastor refused to bless my purest of pure baby boy.

C.…CHILDREN….there are three year olds at the park throwing bread to the ducks right now. my son is not one of them.

D….DEATH…not afraid of it. living is scary. and hellish.

E…EMOTIONS…burying your baby is emotionally expensive. in fact, im spent. the emotional funds are dry…….

F….FAMILY….living and dead…all that matters is family….yes, a stillborn baby comes from a family…..and belongs to one.

G….GRIEVE….for the rest of my life. i grieve….DO NOT CONFUSE GRIEVING FOR PITY….i dont need pity….i need my son.

H…..HEARTBEAT….it stopped….for no mortal reason…..?????

I…..IGNORANCE….seriously shocking. a very serious problem.

J….JOURNAL…..journaling, blogging, writing….keeps me sane…and healthy…..since i cant talk about dead babies, i write about them…..they deserve to be remembered.

K….KICK…”when was the last time he kicked?” ….and, after the nurse said that, MY LIFE WAS NEVER THE SAME…….

L….LOVE…a mother loves all her children….THE SAME….yes, my son has a birthday, and yes, i celebrate it.

M….MILK…his breastmilk lasted 21 months…he never tasted a drop of it.

N….NATIVITY…the birthing experience of a stillborn baby is the most traumatic episode parents can endure….1 in every 200 babies are bornstill, and 90% couples seperate after a stillborn baby.

O…..OSCAR SOLO.

P….PERFECTION…flawless. he was so beautiful to look at.

Q…..QUIET….hospital rooms with butterfly stickers on the doors are quiet. it shouldn’t have to be this way…..

R…..RELAPSE….every year at this time…just like the woman from church….who delivered her stillborn daughter 22 years ago.

S…STILLBORN…the word is under “failure” in my thesaurus….i will burn that book.

T….TEARS….no body knows tear chemistry like a baby-loss parent……NO BODY.

U….UNDERSTAND…Ive figured out more about life from his death, than a lifetime of living……

V…..VERIFY….just to verify: i have 3 children….STOP saying i have two……please and thank you.

W….WOMB….my womb was his tomb. i am a walking cemetary. my son died inside of me….it is not easy to live knowing that.

X….X RAY CLINIC…”purged” my ultrasound records of him, before i got them…..

Y….YEARS….it was just like yesterday…..now its three years???????

Z.….ZIP-LOC……my son’s remains were given back to me in a zip-loc sandwhich bag.

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